Bah Humbug and all that jazz. I am not a merry person, barely even jolly, so when Jingle Bells starts coming on the radio and everyone is talking about Santa coming to town I tend to clam up. I’ve never been a big Christmas person for boring and cliché reasons; I’m not going to bore you with stories of me being sick during the holidays as a kid or discovering things about Santa the same year my parents broke up.
So now as an (almost) adult, when my roommates or friends start talking about Ugly Sweater Parties and covering everything in green glitter and garland I’m immediately uninterested.
Oh holidays, let me compare thee to a steaming pile of NOPE:
• We all already know the songs, and I’m done with Mariah
Seriously, when was the last time you heard a Christmas song that was new, and catchy, and didn’t make you cry? I believe the answer is never. Bing Crosby was a bae in his day, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t listen to the same ten songs over and over and over every year! And don’t even get me started on Justin Bieber singing Little Drummer Boy or Mariah Carey singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Oh, and now that we all realized how creepy and date-rape focused Baby it’s Cold Outside is can we just all agree Christmas music is done?
• Forced materialism – I mean, gift giving
Kids want toys. My parents want grandchildren. And I want no student debt and better hair. Kids are materialistic little capitalist pigs, but everyone else in my life doesn’t have a list of “things” they so desperately want other people to buy for them. For most people the things we want in life cannot be bought on amazon or in wallmart, so why are we all spending hundreds of dollars to find some “thing” our boyfriend’s bestfriend who we met that one time, would just loooove. Bribing children with gifts is always fun, but shopping for everyone else on the list is akin to looking for a needle in a haystack, but no one will tell me where the haystack is and no one wants the needle anyway.
• Lets all hangout and try not to argue until someone cries
After the election and Thanksgiving, there were a million and a half articles about not fighting with your family about Trump – thanks for the advice but there is no avoiding the inevitable. Then we can take turns saying “who made this? Oooooohhh” when tasting hard as cement cookies and dry chicken. And if that wasn’t exciting enough, we can all rehash those childhood traumas and remind everyone that we’re not over the time you stole our Barbie and cut her hair. Forced family time is stressful for everyone, all the time, but especially during the holidays when everyone is trying to look like an It’s a Wonderful Life character and be grateful too.
• I hate the food and I’m obviously on a diet
Get ready to hate me if you don’t already: I hate Christmas cookies. They’re all sugar cookies! You can’t fool me! Putting globs of red or green icing on regular ol’ sugar cookies is fun for five year olds I guess, but let’s be real: I have like 5 other holiday parties to get to and this dress is not expandable. Trying to stay on some semblance of a diet is hard enough, but when every holiday meal includes ten courses and double the desert and thrice the drinks it’s hard to stay afloat the diet boat.
• Too drunk to fucntiooonn
As evidence that everyone agrees with me: (almost) everyone over drinks during the holidays. Feeling awkward in your ugly sweater? Shots. Stuck under some badly placed mistletoe? Drinks. Everyone drinks too much, says too much, and tries to dance to Dominick the Donkey without falling in front of Grandma (who is also drunk.) I may love a good glass of wine, but party after party of people awkwardly dressed like elves and uncomfortably drunk gets boring real quick.
Did I forget to mention Santa themed bikinis and sweaters with cartoon Drank singing “Jingle Bell Bling?” Holiday season might be fun for ice skating, fire places, even the occasional eggnog – but does the good really outweigh those awful globby sugar cookies? I think not.
So if you’re like me and haven’t found your holiday cheer – cheer up! The holiday’s always fly by, and even if they are drunk in an elf sweater for the third time that week, spend your holidays with people you love and always remember – New Years is even worse.